Fear & Anger
-- By Lorraine Sutton
Fear & Anger
We have just been discussing an interesting issue in my Physiological Psychology class. The topic is "What Is Emotion?" We know that arousal of the sympathetic nervous system is needed to experience what we call emotion. But that arousal is easily mislabeled. We can easily mistake and mix up things like fear and anger or lust and love - because to our body, they feel very similar. It is the label that we apply to this arousal that we call emotion. And we often make mistakes.
On Monday I got a call from a young friend of mine from the other side of the world - literally. I met "R" on-line, when her neurology clinic gave her my web site address. "R", who was 21 years of age at the time and asymptomatic (showing no symptoms) had just been told that she has the SCA6 gene (spinocerebellar ataxia type 6) - the same disease that I have and that her father has. She now knows that her cerebellum will begin to degenerate sometime in the next 10 years. Her doctors had seen my web site (isn't the Internet wonderful?) and told her to look at it - that here was a woman in Florida who was taking an aggressively positive approach to ataxia. She emailed me and we have been close friends for 3 years now. I communicate with lots of people who have ataxia - it takes up a large part of my day.
Anyway, on Monday "R" called and told me that her (healthy) mother announced that after a weekend visit with other family, "R's" father could not return home. Mom wants a divorce. She no longer wants to care for an invalid. She no longer loves him and she feels that she deserves a life.
"R's" dad, with nowhere to go, ended up at her flat. Her employer gave her a few days off so that she could try to resolve the situation and find a long-term care facility for her dad. He needs more care than "R" can provide, and returning him to his home with his wife is out of the question. The mother - "R" suspects - has not been taking very good care of the dad anyway.
I guess "in sickness and in health" are just words to some who make that promise.
The doctors and social workers are frantically trying to find a place for this man. The wait for a spot in a long-term care facility is 18 months. "R" is devastated. She wants to care for her dad but she cannot and she is very angry with her mom. Her family is splitting apart. I talked to her and offered her my love and support and an ear, but I felt so sad and helpless.
As the week progressed, I noticed that I had a very short temper, especially with my "significant other" Mark, over things that do not normally piss me off. I was unmistakably angry, but I didn't know why. I am used to the frustration that comes with ataxia: losing control of my hands, dropping things, hard-to-produce and hard-to-understand speech, difficulty walking even with my walker, pain and fatigue - this is life every day. I learned long ago that I could not afford to dwell on these things or I would turn into an unpleasant bundle of bitchiness.
But this week, I not only got mad at myself for my condition, I was angry at those closest to me, especially Mark.
My students have been discussing on a web forum how easy it is to mistake one emotion for another when interpreting arousal of the sympathetic nervous system. Love and lust, fear and anger - they are all easy to mix up and mislabel. And, after reading these forums I was reminded of what I already know. It took the student comments to make it clear. Ever since "R's" call, I have had a subconscious fear that I would end up like her dad - dumped because his partner no longer loved him and no longer wanted the life of caring for an invalid. And having my family in turmoil because of MY condition.
My anger is really fear.
Realizing this has not made me less sad or concerned for my friend and her father, or for myself for that matter. But it has allowed me to see my emotions for what they are.
I am afraid.
You'd have to be a delusional fool not to be, under the circumstances. Fear is a normal response to some very abnormal conditions. I can now apologize to Mark and anyone else who bore the brunt of my misplaced, mislabeled anger.
And I promise myself (and all those who love and support me) that I will continue to try to figure these things out. And to express my profound gratitude for sticking by me even when I do not seem to be myself.
And I pray for "R" and all of us bound by the challenges of ataxia.
--
Lorraine Sutton, Ph.D.
lsutton1@cfl.rr.com
Humor
-- By Martin Burke
You know you are a disabled
redneck if....
* Any part of your wheelchair is painted camo.
* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.
* You use deck plating, steel mesh, or motorcycle parts as
decoration.
* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots, even though they're hard to
put on and you can't walk anyway.
* You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.
* You installed a gun rack on the back of your wheelchair.
* Your joystick [which does not live up to its name] is a
billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer tap, or similar item.
* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.
* You have knobby mud tires - that never get dirty.
* You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a truck
or hog.
* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars and
bars!
* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to your
chair.
* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.
* You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.
* You found the above BarcoLounger at the side of the road.
* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.
* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.
* You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing or
battery compartment of the chair.
* You, while in your wheelchair, ever made any roadkill.
* The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than the chair
does.
* You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your
wheelchair.
* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.
* You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as you
sit.
* The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever
gotten caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.
* You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they're going to
start making wheelchairs.
* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to hang
fuzzy dice from your chair.
* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance
plan.
* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point,
"Now that's a good idea!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk (EVERYTHING is
difficult to say if you're Ataxic!):
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
"Cogito ergo sum."
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
loquacious
transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have
sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!
------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to
become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an
undertaker.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted
engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his
own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the
road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last
year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer
completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map
the wrong way.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
You might be an engineer if ...:
1) choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM
is a moral dilemma.
2) you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine
room.
3) in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
4) the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of
your questions.
5) at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
6) you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
7) you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
8) you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
handwriting.
9) you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
parallel.
10) you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the
special effects.
11) you have saved every power cord from all your broken
appliances.
12) you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
13) you know what "http://" stands for.
14) you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys
together.
15) you see a good design and still have to change it.
16) you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
17) you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
18) you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
19) you window shop at Radio Shack
20) your laptop computer costs more than your car
21) your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
22) you've already calculated how much you make per second.
23) you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
To the optimist, the glass is half
full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the
engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
------------------------------------------------------
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a
drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle.
Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that
stupid letter arrived!"
------------------------------------------------------
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the
policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
--
Martin Burke
Newsletter Editor
mrburke@att.net