"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes...and you're barefoot.

"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays
anymore but just holds you up to the light.

"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only
sick.

"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and
make love" and you answer "Honey, I can't do both!"

--------------------------------------------------

Guide to communication between the sexes

Women's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to
hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Men's English
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then
maybe we can have sex?
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay

------------------------------------------------------
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by
a dog's rule of life: if you can't eat it or screw it,  pee on it!

-----------------------------------------------------

Just imagine if the following people got married...

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be
Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry
Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd
be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to
marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name,
so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married
Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little
longer to get)

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar,
then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar
(of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory
Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin
Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod
understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.".

--------------------------------------------
"Things Will Rogers Never Said"
(but probably wished he had)

--Every teenager should get a high school
education -- even if they already know
everything

--Some things that cost $5 to buy several
years ago now costs $10 just to repair

--A synonym is a word you use in place of
one you can't spell

--The outcome of the income depends on
the outgo for the upkeep

--Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered
clothes dryer. It's called a clothes line

--Leaders go down in history -- some
farther down than others

--Any man who laughs at women's clothes
has never paid the bill for them

--Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired,
mired, fired

--For every judge operating in an official
capacity, there are 100 who are self-appointed

--It is when we forget ourselves that we do
things that are most likely to be remembered

--The more you know, the more you know
you ought to know

--The argument you just won with your
spouse isn't over yet

--The law of gravitation is the only law that
everybody observes
-----------------------------------------------

~ Before & After ~

When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment
to write an essay on "something I am thankful for". Then I'd spend a lot
of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that
could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of
from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my
priorities have clearly changed:

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most
powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving
valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes --
which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back
seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the
freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program which will
preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son
wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the
size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese --
without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal
and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college
education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being
interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to
"cause drowsiness" in young children.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught,
encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watcher who
let me strip down to pantyhouse and a strategically placed scarf before
getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic
foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new
culture.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the
driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my
loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture,
a nice car and trendy clothes.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good
shoes.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for my wonderful family
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for my wonderful family.

-------------------------------------------
A young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.

"Isn't this rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked
the salesclerk.

"It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world,
madam," the shop assistant replied.

"Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."

-------------------------------------------
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged
in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says,
"Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high
octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact
he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

--------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

--------------------------------------------

Random Thoughts

Just think: in a few million years, Barney will be motor oil.

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it's gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

A blonde told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

Q: Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? A: It won't work and you can't fire it.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the Whatever group.

Into every life some rain must fall . . . usually when your car windows are down.

Love is like a roller coaster. When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.