Internaf Newsletter December 1999 Issue
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Humour
-- By Martin Burke
Some Indications that You're Broke
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
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TEN
BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK.
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here
just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at work...
1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."
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As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson
became
increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be
pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly
whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to
pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his
wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
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FEMALE
COMEBACKS
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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The old gent was backing his Rolls into the
last available parking space when
a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.
The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you've got to be
young
and smart to do that."
The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched
the sports car into a crumpled heap.
"Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"
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Ain’t it the truth...
There are three kinds of men: ones that learn by reading, ones that learn by
observation and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence . . .
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A Couple of Camels
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom
why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes
will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".
"OK" said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long
eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the
desert".
"Thanks Mom" replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these
great big humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there
to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go
without drinking for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long
eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water,
but Mom"
"Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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The Temperature Conversion Guide for North Americans (degrees are in
Fahrenheit):
50 above - New Yorkers turn off the heat. Canadians plant gardens.
40 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.
35 above - Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
20 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a
t-shirt.
15 above - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.
Zero - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last
cook-out before it gets cold.
10 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles.
20 below - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos.
60 below - Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Scouts begin selling cookies
door to door.
80 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts
postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear
flaps.
173 below - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw
their kegs.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of
farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold'nuff for
ya?"
500 below - Hell freezes over. The Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
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