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Newsletter April 2000 Issue Page 3
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Humor
--
By Martin Burke
An attorney
was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil
appeared before him.
The Devil
said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can
win
every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients
will adore
you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will
make
embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your
soul, your
wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your
parents,
grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of
your friends
and law partners."
The lawyer
thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's
the catch?"
Man: "So,
wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well,
I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Realtor
Woes
When we were
looking to buy property, we had this over-zealous
realtor
show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old
farm. I mean
the land had just been worked to death. Things were so bad
that even the
weeds were hardly even growing!
The smiling
super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is
a
little water, a nice cool breeze, and some good
people."
I replied,
"Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of
Hell?"
The
efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of
caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at
home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the
expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the
refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just
a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you
try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her
20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in
seven."
MICHIGAN
IDIOTS
The Ann Arbor
News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he
said he couldn't open the cash register without a food
order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away.
KENTUCKY
IDIOTS
Two men tried
to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain
from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling
the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their
truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
...with the chain still attached to the machine.
...with their bumper still attached to the chain.
...with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the
bumper.
LOUISIANA
IDIOT
A man walked
into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
for
change. when the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,
which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20
bill on the counter. the total amount of cash he got from
the drawer?
$15.00. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
was a crime committed?)
ARKANSAS
IDIOT
Seems this
guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the
window. the cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store
window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught
on videotape.
NEW YORK
IDIOT
As a female
shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse
and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The
thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, Officer...
that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
SEATTLE
IDIOT
When a man
attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man, curled up
next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and
plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Top Eleven
Reasons To Go To Work Naked:
11. No one
ever steals your chair.
10. Gives
"bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
9. Diverts
attention from the fact that you also came to work
drunk.
8. People
stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
them.
7. So that
-with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic Dancer"
to your exaggerated resume.
6. You want
to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop
those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
blouse.
4. "I'd love
to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive
way to finally meet that special person in Human
Resources.
2. Can take
advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your
tan.
...and (drum
roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss
is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
8:00!"
Why Engineers
Can't Write Cookbooks
Chocolate
Chip Cookies
1.) 532.35
cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3
NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3
refined halite
4.) 236 cm3
partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45
cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45
cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3
methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two
calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
ovoids
9.) 473.2 cm3
theobroma cacao 10.) 236 cm3 de-encapsulated legume
meats
(sieve size #10)
To a 2-L
jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall
heat
transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add
ingredients one, two
and three with constant agitation.
In a second
2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating
at
100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until
the mixture is
homogenous.
To reactor
#2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes
of
the homogenous mixture in reactor #1.
Additionally,
add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant
agitation.
Care must be
taken at this point in the reaction to control any
temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic
reaction.
Using a screw
extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).
Heat in a
460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with
Frank
& Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21,
55), or until
golden brown.
Once the
reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C
heat-transfer
table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
One day two
carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of
friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car
came speeding
around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt
carrot cradled
his buddy, telling him over and over again that he would be
OK. Finally
the ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to
the hospital.
His friend rode with him. Once at the hospital the uninjured
carrot
paced back and forth in the emergency room waiting to hear
how his pal
was going to be. After many minutes of agonized waiting the
doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and
said "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is
that your friend is going to be alright. The bad news is
that he is going to be a vegetable all his
life".
The husband
was not home at his usual hour, and the wife
was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally,
about
3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she
stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband,
drunk
as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
'Do you
realize what time it is," she said. He answered,
"Don't get
excited, I'm late because I bought something for
the house."
Immediately
her attitude changed, and as she ran down the
stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy
for
the house, dear?"
His answer
was, "A round of drinks!"
PROFESSION
NAME
Lawyer's
daughter: Sue
Thief's son:
Rob
Lawyer's son:
Will
Doctor 's
son: Bill
Meteorologist's
daughter: Haley
Steam shovel
operator's son: Doug
Hair
Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic
doctor's son: Herb
Justice of
the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage
technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog
vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's
daughter: Bette
Exercise
guru's son: Jim
Cattle
Thief's son: Russell
Painter's
son: Art
Iron worker's
son: Rusty
TV show
star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's
son: Oscar
Barber's son:
Harry
An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading
Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by,
sees
the paper, and stops - in shock.
"What are you
doing reading that paper?" he says. "You
should be reading the 'Jewish Journal'!"
The elderly
man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories
about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel - all kinds troubles
of
the Jewish people. I like to read about good
news."
His friend
gasps, "WHAT good news could possibly be in
that paper???"
"Well,
Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money,
the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press,
the
Jews control Hollywood -- see? It's all *good*
news!"
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